Disorganized Attachment Style And The Moderating Effect of The Inner Loving Parent on Closeness Terror: An Internal Family Systems (IFS) Approach

Abstract

This article briefly discusses attachment theory, precisely one of the four styles: the disorganized
style (fearful-avoidant, unresolved state of mind), and Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS),
as an intervention. The linchpin of this attachment style is a terror of closeness (physical, sexual,
psychological, or emotional), intimacy as frightening and confusing, fear of one’s partner, the need for
escape via emotional distance, fear of being hurt, and high rejection sensitivity. Fear of one’s partner
and heightened generalized interpersonal rejection are central tenants of this style, which is externalized
in various problematic behaviors, designed to help cope with underlying terrors. The core terror is an
emotional trigger that fuels and engages the avoidance cycle. Over the years and across relationships, this
avoidance cycle can pose deep suffering in the adult's life and to those around them. The externalized
behaviors, coupled with internal negative self-appraisal and coping tools, can create enormous difficulty
in the uninformed adult with this attachment style.
The moderating effect of changing one’s inner working model (IWM) from a harsh, critical, frightening,
or bizarre inner parent - to becoming one’s loving parent has the power to shift internal negativity, the
terror of closeness as an ongoing emotional trigger, and profound relational insecurity towards seeking
safety, leading from “Self” and ultimately nurturing those wounded parts into self-worth and safe love.
According to Bowlby, everyone develops and internalizes an inner, mental symbol of their primary
parent, specifically that early relationship. The significance of this IWM is that it lays on the ocean
floor of the unconscious and guides all future relationships. It does not end there: this inner mental
symbol can fuel and power individuals' expectations, leading to a desire to control and manipulate one’s
environment.
Fear is a dominant, core emotion in either of the three insecure attachment styles. Each style has a unique
way of managing this fear in the form of psychological defense mechanisms or "polarized parts." With
disorganized (fearful-avoidant) attachment, fear triggers the need for avoidance, which can keep the
disorganized attached adult isolated, afraid, and confused about how to achieve and maintain intimacy.
The "Slave-Exile" trap is a psychodynamic term that brilliantly describes both anxious-ambivalent
(“Slave”) and anxious-avoidant (“Exile”). Since attachment style is a behavioral system, fear as a
behavioral motivator is worthy of exploration. The main suggestion for addressing the avoidance cycle
is becoming one’s Inner Loving Parent (ILP).